Champions! The one question we’re asked so often and it’s the one I find the most difficult to answer. Impossible to answer. Cue the music. Cue the lights. Camera zooms in on my face. Lights become brighter. The audience goes quiet. Room feels warmer.
“Rory, for one million rand, why do you run?”
Rory looks around for a lifeline, but he’s used them all. He used ‘Phone a friend’ when he felt discouraged and needed some encouragement to go for a run. He used 50/50 when it was starting to drizzle one day and he decided against going outside. And he wasted his ‘Ask the audience’ that one time when he needed advice on what to do with those silly soft flask thingies that bounce around in your pocket like a half alive fish. So here he was, forced to answer the most difficult question of his whole entire life.
Champions, do you know why you run? If I had to ask you for one reason, what would it be? For me, it’s like asking for my favourite song or favourite movie. It literally depends on when you ask, what mood I’m in, where I am, what the weather is doing, and how strong my coffee was. But here I sit with one million rand (or the equivalent of two days’ electricity on a pre-payment meter) on the line. For the sake of the money, this is why I run:
- Sometimes I run because I feel fat and the thought of maybe one day needing a mirror to see, um, well, that stuff down there terrifies me.
- Sometimes I run because I have no content left in my brain. I’ll have nothing at all. And, without fail, every single time, within the first kilometre, I have at least 10 more ideas for videos to record on the driver’s seat of my car, half a one-man comedy show and a week’s worth of stuff for my radio show too.
- Sometimes I run because I miss all my other crazy beautiful people who also run. Also, there’s just something special about getting out of your car at 04h52 in the morning and seeing other lunatics who are doing the same!
- Sometimes I run because I have FOMO after seeing someone else’s run on social media, with photos captioned, “Easy shakeout with my besties!” Easy shakeout? You did 22km in 2 hours Barbara! Stop showing off!
- Sometimes I run because I feel anxious and Google tells me that running is the best thing for anxiety. I disagree. A R100-million Powerball win would do the job too.
- Sometimes I run because I remember how absolutely amazing it feels when you finish and that beautifully perfect and delicious rush of accomplishment you get when you stop your watch at the end. You feel invincible. OK, I lie. None of this is true. It’s because I know there’s a triple shot flat white waiting for me.
- Sometimes I run because I remember I’ve signed up for that little 90km run between Durban and Pietermaritzburg and in the words of someone famous but I can’t remember who, “Those 90km are not gonna run themselves!”
So, Champions, for one million rand, why do I run? I’ll tell you. Because somewhere between that first and last kilometre, while I’m doing it to keep lean and healthy, to get my creative juices flowing, to calm the FOMO, to kill the anxiety, to get that coffee at the end, to see my friends and to train for that beautiful 90km fun run, I remember it’s the one place the scam callers can’t find me! I love you. 2-nils.
